Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
