Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
