I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
