Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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