In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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