turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
