i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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