I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
