She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
