I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
