Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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