that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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