i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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