Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
