Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
