So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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