this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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