omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
