My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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