I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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