I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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