All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
