I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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