It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
