My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
