I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
