At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
