my soul wont recognize me after tonight
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
