True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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