The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
