it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
