Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
