Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
