Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he puts the penis in happiness.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
