the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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