just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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