i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
