Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
