I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
