bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
