got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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