the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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