he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
