Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
