isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I will pee on everything he values.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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