So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
