It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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