and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
