this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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