You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize