Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
