I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My hand turned me down
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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