oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize