pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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