are you so shy because you have an std?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
