over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
