Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
