He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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