yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We're too hungover to prance.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
