Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
