Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
