yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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