...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
